After spending solidly over 3 hours tonight uninstalling Apache 2.0, downloading, compiling, making, and installing Apache 2.2, trying to figure out why Apache 2.2 had no PHP support, trying to install PHP5, discovering all of PHP5's dependencies and individually apt-getting those... I think I'm done messing with the server. For now.
Edit: two hours later, 5:58AM... Nope. Nope. Apache 2.2.3 and mod_auth_mysql... Thank you for making my life fifteen times more complicated.
Let me know what you think on Twitter.